Here's where I give you advice on how to handle your romantic entanglements. Trust me, I'm an expert.
Dear Zoopid, My girlfriend keeps asking me how she looks. I'm so tired of having to reassure her. What should I do? Signed, |
Dear C-Man, Your woman clearly has self-esteem issues and no matter how much you reassure her, she'll never believe that she's pretty. The best thing to do is to bring the fear to the forefront so she can tackle it head on. First, make sure she sees you checking out prettier, sexier girls. Second, tell her that you think people are being too hard on Heidi Montag and her plastic surgery. And finally, Tivo lapband commercials for her, and everyday, just as she's going to sleep, whisper in her ear that she looks fat. In the end, she'll love you for it. And she may even get some work done to boot! Hugs and Love, |
Dear Zoopid, I've just discovered that my husband is a cross-dresser. Should I leave him??? Or stick with him? Thanks, |
Dear CFMRW, I get this question a lot. I think you should stay with him. But if you do, make sure to shame him each and every day. Little digs. Nasty comments. Better yet - some good old-fashioned embarrassment will probably do him good. A harsh public flogging always does the psyche good. Perhaps at a neighborhood restaurant. Better yet, do you belong to a church group? I think by the time you're done, he'll be the man you always dreamed of: angry, violent, and perhaps even slightly insane. he'll be yours forever. Plus, you'll get your red wig back. Hugs and Love, |
Dear Zoopid, I met a guy online and he recently told me that he's slept with a lot of women. He keeps pushing for sex, but I'm resistant. Should I sleep with him? Holding Out |
Dear Holding Out, First you need to find out if he has a venereal disease. If he does, sleep with him asap. You need a bonding experience. Let it be over simple things: comparing side effects of penicillin, discussing the best topical solution for herpes. Sleeping with him - and acquiring his disease - is the best way to ensure a long term, honest, loving, fulfilling relationship. Hugs and Love, |
Dear Zoopid, I sleep with a lot of women. I recently met a girl and want to sleep with her, too. She won't put out because her friends have been telling her that I'm a player. How do I get her to do me? Player P.S. I have a venereal disease. |
Dear Player, Hugs and Love, P.S. Afterwards, have her give me a call. I want a piece of that. Maybe I'll get on a Valtrax commercial. |
Dear Zoopid, I'm in love with a wonderful man, but it turns out that he's a convict in federal prison. He's "stolen my heart"--which is ironic, because he's actually in for murder. Should I "chase down" the relationship? Best, |
Dear Prisoner of Love, You make really bad puns. And you sound seriously annoying. I'm guessing that a federal prisoner's the best you're gonna do. Go for it. Hugs and Love, |
Dear Zoopid, I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend Scott. How do I know that he's not cheating? -Suspicious |
Dear Suspicious, I know Scott. He is. Hugs and Love, |
Dear Zoopid, My boyfriend says that I'm too possessive, but I just love him so much. I really want to be close to him. What should I do? -Can't Help Myself |
Dear Can't, Stalk him. Hugs and Love, |